tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398558017257954225.post61670553956837017..comments2013-10-11T02:49:44.187-07:00Comments on The Mountain: The Last Street SamuraiAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06621278152886640576noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398558017257954225.post-69634383432771038102012-09-17T23:52:35.557-07:002012-09-17T23:52:35.557-07:00Thanks JD, I think your comments are pretty fair a...Thanks JD, I think your comments are pretty fair and I'd probably tidy this up in another round of edits and revisions. Some responses:<br /><br />1) The Serial Killer thing was me trying to subvert the challenge requirements by naming the character that way. I'd considered him as a data safety countermeasure hence the 'serial' reference, but the problem was "how the hell would someone refer to him in a conversation?"<br /><br />The whole thing was a bit clunky really.<br /><br />2) ChrysTek was a bit of a mispelling. It was supposed to be evoking ideas of crystalline forms, clinical neatness and futuristic tech; most importantly it was to try and lend some kind of shape to the building itself, a suggestion of form.<br /><br />3) Agreed on the tension. I've got to work on not slipping out of 3rd person limited.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and I hope the next one will be better :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06621278152886640576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6398558017257954225.post-33246448553106256332012-09-17T14:20:15.030-07:002012-09-17T14:20:15.030-07:00Lots to love here, James!
All my quibbles are jus...Lots to love here, James!<br /><br />All my quibbles are just that. Loved the names (could have done without 'Killer' and Poke's thinking about the aptness of that?), loved the feel of it. I thought the "ChrysTek" thing was going to go into religious imagery for a moment - it didn't, and that's okay, but now you know it was on at least one reader's mind. <br /><br />"to hostile action" is unnecessary to my eye - obviously the action was hostile, or there wouldn't be brain-bits :). <br /><br />Last, "the tension was shattered" puts the cart before the horse - describing the effect of the collision before the collision itself. If the narrator was more detached that could work, but here it jarred.<br /><br />Other little things here or there, but overall this was a nice piece. I really dug the ending - Poke wondering what impact this would have on Serial, and then finding out. It felt a little like the end of a longer story, which is very cool.<br /><br />Excellent work!JD Paradisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07945134213244873038noreply@blogger.com